SUDDEN ERUPTION  I’ve been frazzled the last few days - work’s been busy - and tonight I had an appointment with the exterminator for 7:30pm.  I got home just at 7 and the front door was open and the exterminators were knocking on my neighbor’s door.  I told them the appointment was 7:30 and basically told them to come back.  I was kind of rude.  I said “If I came home 15 minutes later you wouldn’t come back and you’d have missed the appointment”.  So he went upstairs and then left the building saying “I’ll be back at 7:30; you’re right, it says on the sheet after 7:30”. 

The reason I didn’t want to let them in at 7 was because the house was messy - stuff all over the dining room table, dishes in the drainboard.

Anyhow I was really pissy.  And I think it’s more because of my birthday than anything.  It’s not so much work - although it’s frazzling that’s not the source of my pissiness.  Definitely my birthday.  I always have a hard time the last few months of the year.  I think the reason I don’t like my birthday so much is because I never get the celebration I want - I know you’re reading this and thinking I’m pathetic but too bad -  the reason I went to london for my 50th was because I didn’t want to have my parents throw me a party like they did for my 40th - it wasn’t a party, it was a surprise dinner at a restaurant with my family and a few friends thrown in.  It came under the heading of “better than nothing - barely.”

What do I want - I want to know I’m special to someone.  Someone other than my friends, my siblings, my parents.  That’s the “alone” that I can’t make anyone understand how much I hate.

Writing this it sounds childish to my ears, but that’s because growing up I wasn’t deprived, but I certainly wasn’t encouraged to dream and to want things and basically the message was “shut up because no one’s intereted any way”.  Terrible lesson to learn.  I’ve never unlearned it.